(An interview in which an American anthropologist talks about marriage in African and American Cultures)
Question: You say that so many couples in America break up because of the importance we give to romantic love. How is our view of love different from that of others?
Answer: We've taken the kind of love that humans learn from their mothers and added romance to it. We think about love as soon as we start going out with someone. We can't imagine marriage proposals or weddings as events that have little to do with love. As a result, the importance we give to being in love makes it difficult for us to see that we can have a perfectly satisfactory long-term relationship without it.
Question: So you're saying relationships are more stable in other cultures because they don't have romantic love?
Answer: Absolutely. There's got to be respect and you've got to be able to get along. There's also got to be an ability to see the other person for what he or she is. But you don't have to have "love" to do it well. The Africans I lived with expected the person they married to be a "good spouse". And if you ask what a good spouse is, you'll be told the same thing by everybody. The women say, "He gives me enough cloth. He gives me enough land to put a farm on." The men say, "She works hard on the farm. She cooks when she's supposed to." But he doesn't have to listen to her troubles. And she doesn't have to worry if he's happy.
Question: So what's the problem with love?
Answer: If you decide who to marry based on romantic love, you may not see the real qualities of the other person. You give your partner qualities that aren't really there. Then, once you realize the person you were attracted to and fell in love with isn't who you thought, he's a rat.
Question: Does the high divorce rate worry you?
Answer: No, I'm surprised there aren't more divorces. There was never a time when most marriages were good. We have more good marriages now than ever before. We are open about so many things. And we're not so ashamed when things go badly.